Over the years, I have been focusing more on others’ health and well-being, doing research to find an alternative solution to the existing problem, or trying to understand it more deeply so that I could come up with a better solution. However, I did little study on myself as I did on others, mainly because it needs a lot of work to look within myself with clarity and an objective mindset to understand myself and my personality, though it’s me, my body, and my mind somehow seem far away from me. That’s why I didn’t introspect much and went with the flow; that’s what was in front of my eyes until recently.
Talking about others’ mental well-being and advocating seem modest and admirable; however, I believe that a sound and robust mind can deliver it in the best way. Since communication is a two-way system, instead of focusing on writing therapeutic approaches and research findings by using jargon, I want to take myself as a case reference by sharing how I struggled as a conscientious person with a hint of obsessive and compulsive behavior of a perfectionist and that strong desire to keep things in order, organized, and clean. These traits of mine seem constructive on a superficial level, but delving into deeper layers, there is an innocent and anxious little girl who is held together by her rigidity; yet this rigidity of a strong foundation of structure, self-discipline, organization, and goal-oriented behaviour suffocates her growth and creativity.
Back in the day, people around me always questioned why are you so drained out even without doing intensive physical activity. I thought it happened because of my empathic power and started to set my boundaries, until recently; I figured out my anxiety, though no prominent effect on my body; however, it restrains my optimal level of performance. It’s hypervigilance and sensitivity to the peevishness of not being in order, organized, and clean that toll me and exhaust me from the core, sometimes emotionally burnout. This sensitivity of mine took everything personally, which is exacerbated by self-criticism from my perfectionistic personality, leading to fear of making mistakes, rejection, and failure. Somehow, drags down my whole self-confidence and self-esteem, secluded myself from social engagements and functions.
Today, when I look back at that version of myself, I would say Don’t be hard on yourself, and there is nothing called perfection in this world. Just be you, the imperfect, because you still have room for growth and improvement to be who you want to be. Though I am still working on myself, what really made me cross this muddled river is gaining control of my negative emotions and thoughts through self-reflection, journaling in a distanced self-talk manner, and taking long hours of walking or physical exercise to channel these emotions out of my body. Sometimes, I meditate to have better introspection, feel the importance of being alive, and often do my prayers. There is a famous quote from the Buddhist scholar Shantideva: “If the problem can be solved, why worry? If the problem cannot be solved, worrying will do you no good.” It always relieves my anxious mind in situations that are out of my control.
Psychologically, I would say my conscientiousness plays a pivotal role in keeping this neuroticism features of emotional reactivity and negative affect under control, allowing me to channel my anxiety into productive, health-conscious behaviours or healthier lifestyle habits. For example, today I take this peevishness as an opportunity to test my emotional control, and I no longer give importance to emotions and thoughts that are not under my control. Physically, I feel lighter and exercise daily, which makes me feel comfortable in my body and, intrinsically, driven by a strong force of motivation to commit myself to any projects or activities for the long term.
Though I am still a work in progress, I feel confident in sharing my stories and speaking for others likewise. To my dearest readers, I just want to say you don’t need to be perfect to take a stand for yourself or others. Just being you is more than enough. Remember, there is always a way out; it might take some time, regardless of what you are struggling with, to a brighter and warmer side of you. As I believe in myself, so could I believe in you too.
Leave a Reply